Sounds simple. It isn't. It is the rare man who really understands what looks best on a person of his station-and what does not. Rarer still is the man who keeps pace with the changes in his circumstances. Like his circumference, for example. Most men, as they thicken, will suffer for months with painfully constricting waistbands before either sweating to the oldies or copping to a larger size. Then there are those too silly to understand that they're too young to smoke a pipe (FYI, no charge: Every man alive is too young to smoke a pipe.) All one can do to master rule number one is this: Look in the mirror. Think. Repeat as necessary.
2. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS NOT QUALITY. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS FIT. It's also the most elusive thing in this difficult era of elderly tailors whose sons refuse to take up the needle. But you can wear the cream of Milano head to toe and still look like a fool if it's not cut right. How to find a good tailor - ask a few seasoned salesmen at a few great clothing stores. If anybody's name gets mentioned by more than one salesman, run to this man. Run!
3. A CHEAP SUIT FITS NOBODY. The second most important thing - and it's a close second - is quality. Get the best suit you can afford, even if you can't quite afford it. Because no matter what all you've stuffed in your closet, you'll always reach for the same two or three sharpest, best quality jackets you ever overextended yourself to buy.
4. The easiest way to expand your wardrobe: three new ties. Three ties x five suits x five shirts = seventy five possible combinations.
5. A MAN LOOKS BETTER IN A SUIT THAN IN ANYTHING ELSE IN HIS WARDROBE. If you don't believe us, ask the nearest female.
6. EVEN NED BEATTY LOOKS GOOD IN A BLACK TURTLENECK SWEATER. Every man does. Buy one. Wear it.
7. ACT YOUR AGE, NOT YOUR COLLAR SIZE. Wear no: slouchy pants revealing boxer-brief waistbands; clothing altered with scissors; Jams.
8. JACKET SLEEVES ARE TAILORED SO THAT HALF AN INCH OF SHIRT CUFF SHOWS WHEN YOUR ARMS ARE AT YOUR SIDES. It does not make your sleeves look shorter. It makes your arms look longer. Work it out.
9. PANTS ARE CUFFED SO THAT NO SOCK SHOWS WHILE YOU WALK. This might be a good time to remind yourself that it wasn't Woody Allen's fashion sense that helped him score with the younger chicks.
10. THERE IS NO ALTERING OF SHOULDERS. If the jacket doesn't fit there, it never will.
11. Your collar should complement your face. Round face? Point collar. Narrow face? Spread collar. Cris Collinsworth? With a neck like that, the highest-sitting collar money can buy.
12. BLACK SHOES, BLACK BELT. BROWN SHOES, BROWN BELT. No shoes, no belt. (And no girl.)
13. Nothing shows a man’s refinement like brilliantly shined shoes.
14. ON JEWELRY: ONE RING. ONE WRISTWATCH. YOU'RE DONE. Funny you should ask: There is no such thing as body piercing.
15. ONE PAIR OF TOP-QUALITY SHOES IS BETTER THAN TEN CHEAP PAIRS. Good leather shoes, rotated throughout the week, should last for five years or more. To break them in blister-free: Wear them for brief, gradually increasing periods, removing them as soon as they begin to bother you.
16. DENIM IS FOR WEEKENDS. Unless it's dark, crisp, and free of holes. Or your office is an F-150.
17. THAT SAID, WITH A GOOD WHITE SHIRT, NAVY BLAZER, AND SHARP PAIR OF JEANS, YOU CAN GO JUST ABOUT ANYWHERE.
On second thought, you might want to steer clear of the Slayer concert as long as you're in that getup. Ditto the Outkast show, playa.
18. GRAY FLANNEL PANTS ARE THE NAVY BLAZER OF COLD WEATHER TROD. They go just as well with a T-shirt as with a white oxford and tie, so you might want to think about stocking up.
19. A CRISP WHITE DRESS SHIRT IS THE GRAY FLANNEL PANTS OF SHIRTS. That is to say, it's the most flattering and goes with anything. But wear one every day and you're going to be known as reliable Bill, the safe, harmless guy in muni bonds.
20. YOUR EXTERIOR SIDE JACKET POCKETS REMAIN SEWN SHUT. Because if you put things in there, you'll look lumpy. And your pocket openings will stretch and the line of your jacket will be ruined. Carry a couple credit cards in your inside breast pocket and a money clip in your pants pocket, and put everything else in your briefcase.
21. UNLESS YOU'RE BEING FINANCIALLY COMPENSATED FOR IT, TIGER, WEAR NO VISIBLE LOGOS. Therefore, no horsemen, no alligators, no Fubus, no Mighty Ducks.
22. BUSINESS CASUAL IS NO LONGER ABOUT KHAKIS. What it is about: a couple of sport coats, a few pairs of well-tailored trousers, and some fine-gauge sweaters. Kind of like what we wore in 1995.
23. The cheap suit is fused, the strong suit is stitched.
Any good suit-not just the custom jobs -- is hand-stitched to its canvas
interlining at the edges, allowing the inner and outer fabrics to move smoothly
against each other as you move. Cheap suits are glued, or fused, and lack that
fluidity, flexibility, and comfort. (Also, glue has been known to come unglued.)
You can test for real stitching by pinching the exterior fabric with one hand
and pinching the canvas through the lining with the other. If you can pull the
two fabrics apart at the breast, they are stitched, not fused.
24. SUITS WERE MADE TO BE BROKEN. The fact that suits come as a package deal; that is, pants and jacket - in no way means you shouldn't separate those pieces and use them in other ways. To the contrary... You must. Mixing and matching suit pants and jackets with other sport coats and trousers is the smartest way to stretch a wardrobe. Meanwhile, a jacket need not have gold buttons to be worn with contrasting pants. In fact, we're of the mind that a jacket should not have gold buttons, period... but that's just us.
25. The coup de grace - a pocket square.
Fold it with points or straight across, or pinch it in the center and stuff the
point into your breast pocket for a slightly nattier look. White is always
appropriate, but you can also wear a square that highlights one color in your
tie or shirt. Match the material exactly to your tie and you'll be taken
outside, a bucket will be placed over your head, and you'll be beaten with
sticks.
26. BLACK DOES INDEED GO WITH EVERYTHING. But wear too much of it and people will assume you're French.
27. THERE IS NO SHAME IN A BASEBALL CAP. Although when you're not playing baseball or power washing the siding, there probably should be.
28. AN EYE FOR NECKTIES - YOU EITHER HAVE IT OR YOU DON'T. It's a Zen exercise, and a remarkably difficult one for some people, plucking beautiful patterns from the vast visual clutter that is the tie rack. It requires focus, taste, imagination, and a lack of colorblindness-the latter being a condition that affects one in ten men to one degree or another. If you're unsure of your neckwear acumen, take one color-savvy person whose ties you admire (and only one, lest decisions bog down in committee) and make him go shopping with you. Return the favor with a light luncheon of quiche and salad.... No, you Junk, by sending him a good tie later.
29. NO NOVELTY NECKTIES. No novelty anything-novelty having the tendency to wear off.
30. IN RE NECKTIES: STOP THE VIOLENCE. You cannot wash them. You cannot iron them. You cannot have them dry-cleaned by just anybody, because they will destroy them. And most important c'mere so's we can box your ears - you cannot yank them off your neck without untying the knot first, because that will stretch them beyond wear ability. Neckties are delicate little creatures, often made of silk that goes for $100 a yard, and this is how you treat them? Enter Tie-crafters, 252 West Twenty-ninth Street, New York, 1-212-629-5800, which will shorten, lengthen, widen, or narrow a tie for $12.50, or, for $17, will alter and clean it, too.
31. The right suit amplifies your physical strengths and diminishes your
shortcomings.
A large man should wear solids, especially dark ones, and avoid large, loud
patterns. A short man elongates his silhouette with a suit, particularly a
striped suit, eschewing the sport-coat-and-pants look because it chops in half
what little verticality he has. And ye of the ample booty: Go with vent-less
jackets or those with a rear vent rather than side-vented models, which will
flap above your prodigious gluteus like a signal flag.
32. Under no circumstances are to crumple that bespoke jacket into a ball and
stuff it into your briefcase. Fine clothing requires a lot of care, beginning
with regular dust-offs with a natural-bristle brush.
Clean suits as infrequently as you possibly can, because the cleaning process is
very tough on fabrics. If they're wrinkled but not stained or malodorous, just
have them pressed.
Use good hangers, preferably the kind with fattened ends for the shoulders, to
help shirts and coats retain their shape. Never hang sweaters, which will
stretch.
Pants hung from their cuffs with spring-loaded clips do not get a crease across
the knees.
Don't hang clothes in the plastic bags from the cleaners, because they need to
breathe; better to put dust caps on the shoulders if you're not going to wear
something for a while.
A few fresh pieces of cedar or a cedar-lined closet repels moths. For that
matter, Norm, you can easily line your own closet using a cedar-lining kit for a
couple hundred bucks.
33. IF YOU'RE SPENDING TEN MINUTES STYLING YOUR HAIR, YOU PROBABLY HAVE TOO MUCH OF IT. Time or hair, that is.
34. Just as important as the clothes: a fresh haircut
Great haircuts result from great cutters of hair and from a consistent working
relationship with a barber or stylist who knows your taste and needs. Such
people are unlikely to be employed by a business whose name is a pun (Mane
Event, Curl Up & Dye, et cetera), and they are unlikely to provide their
services for ten bucks. Exception: A few great barbers still exist and still
feature straight razors, skin magazines, and hot lather for the back of your
neck, all of which comes for a remarkably low price. These men are national
treasures.
35. NEVER MIND THE CASHMERE OVERCOAT. An overcoat is gonna get dirty.
It's gonna get thrown in the trunk or on the rack above you on the train. It
needs to be tough. Save the cashmere for closer to your body.
36. LINEN IS FOR SUMMER. Cotton, too.
37. STANDING UP STRAIGHT MAKES YOUR CLOTHES LOOK 85 PERCENT MORE EXPENSIVE. Don't be a shlub.
38. LET THE SHIRT MATCH THE SUIT. And we're not just talking color-we mean the suit's level of formality or lack thereof. Generally, rougher textures and bold patterns are less dressy, whereas fine-gauge stripes, a slight sheen, and contrasting collars are fancier. Never wear button-down collars with double-breasted suits. (In fact, you might avoid button-downs except with a sport coat, what with that shirt's casual air.)
40. WE'VE SAID IT BEFORE, WE'LL SAY IT AGAIN, AND STILL THERE WILL ALWAYS BE MEN WHO FAIL TO HEED -- BUT WILL WE REST? WE SHALL NOT. WILL WE RELENT? NEVER. AHEM: THERE IS NEVER AN ADEQUATE REASON TO WEAR SNEAKERS WITH A SUIT. Okay, if you're fleeing a burning building and it's all you can manage, fine. Otherwise, if bad weather is the issue, here's all you have to do: Wear unobtrusive, weather-retardant black boots for your commute, carrying your dress shoes in a bag or portfolio.
41. LET THE SOCKS MATCH THE PANTS, NOT THE SHOES. Come on, you can remember that. Right?
42. WHEN COMBINING PATTERNED ITEMS, MIX A BIG PATTERN WITH A SMALL ONE. One of your highest order sartorial skills, this one. Like patterns worn together should be of very disparate scale (meaning one should be big, the other small); two different patterns worn together should be of the same scale (sorry to say it, but there are exceptions); and colors should always blend and complement each other.
43. TIES SHOULD DIMPLE. You want to "train" your ties from the first time you put them on. How: Stick your index finger up into the knot from the front as you tighten and it should form the coveted cleft.
44. BLACK SHOES LOOK GOOD WITH A GRAY SUIT. BUT BROWN SHOES LOOK BETTER NO
MATTER WHAT YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU.
If you don't trust us, ask any Neapolitan or Englishman.
IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL CONFIDENT, WEAR IT. If you're doubtful about wearing
something, it's going to show in your every weak, tentative move.
46. COSTUME AFFECTATIONS LIKE COWBOY HATS ARE ALMOST NEVER A GOOD IDEA. (Exception: next item.)
47. LAWS WERE MADE TO BE BROKEN. When you're ready. You'll know when.
Victor J. Serge created this page and revised it on 04/10/03